If I Were an Enzyme
by Always Cry Over Spilled Milk
Summary: "If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes." "I don't wear jeans. These are dress pants." Or, in which Alex attempts to woo Hank with 'intellectual' pick-up lines.


After he finishes training in the bunker with Charles, Alex decided to head over to the labs to pay Hank a visit. Knocking twice on the ajar door's frame, he steps in and says,

"'Sup, dork."

Hank doesn't look up from his work, nor does he respond to the greeting. While some people might be offended by Hank seemingly ignoring them completely to focus on something scientific instead, Alex always knows he isn't being ignored. Alex knows Hank is giving everything he says and everything he does his full attention. Hank is a master at multitasking like that, and it's just one of the many things about him that absolutely fascinates Alex.

Alex is undeterred by Hank's ongoing lack of reply to his presence when he shuffles closer, watching Hank work (and trying (failing miserably) to act like he understands what is happening).

"Y'know, you don't talk much when you're working," Alex says, resting his chin on his hand, elbows on the table as he sits down next to Hank on his bench.

Hank merely grunts in response.

"I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction."

At that, Hank snorts.

Alex smiles.

/\/\/\

The next day, Alex visits Hank again.

He sits beside him and just watches, trying to understand.

Once he gets too bored with the silence (excluding the clinking of Hank's beakers), he figures he should go find something more interesting and exciting to occupy himself with.

Even if the most interesting and exciting thing to Alex is Hank himself.

He stands, but before he leaves he pats the table and says, "Did you know that chemists do it periodically on the table?"

Alex lingers a moment, just in case Hank decides to say anything in response.

After a brief pause that seems like an eternity to Alex, Hank looks up at him and asks,

"Do what?"

Alex holds back the sigh that's threatening to fall from his lips. He should've known Hank wouldn't have picked up on his innuendo. Why would he have? Hank is a dork, a geek, and geeks don't understand Alex's innuendos. Even when said innuendos are designed for geeks.

Instead of sighing, or calling Hank a dork, or laughing, or just leaving, or telling him he means sex, or anything reasonable, Alex smirks at Hank and winks. He figures after the fact that Hank will only be even more confused by this sudden wink being thrown into the conversation (does this brief interaction even qualify as a conversation?), but naturally he didn't have this realization beforehand.

Alex says nothing more, and instead turns to walk out of the room. He struggles with not looking back, not glancing over his shoulder at Hank's adorable confused face, not turning and seeing that dorky face he sees in his dreams every night, not running over and grabbing Hank's-

He turns around.

"I-" Hank starts, quickly cutting himself off. And Alex is oh so glad he turned around, because if he hadn't he wouldn't have gotten to that adorable cute beautiful gorgeoushotsexylovelyjesuschristsodamnprecious blush spread across Hank's pale cheeks.

Alex smiles.

He finds he does that a lot more often when Hank is around.

/\/\/\

When Alex joins Hank after his training once again the next day, he decides to switch things up and sits across from Hank. He quickly decides this was the right decision, as it is definitely a better view of the beautiful brunette who constantly fills Alex's thoughts.

Alex can't even help it when he blurts out, "You're hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power."

Hank halts, flicks his eyes up to meet Alex's (and fuck, if that alone doesn't get Alex going), and replies monotonously, "Alex, a person's level of 'hotness' cannot be measured in actual heat, so it has no relation to the temperature of a Bunsen burner."

This time Alex does sigh, but lets a smile slip out regardless, because how could Alex not smile at Hank's adorable naivety?

/\/\/\

The following day when Alex scurries into Hank's lab, he knows he's covered in sweat. He's been running, but he wasn't bothered by the moisture. He's got a plan.

About ten minutes in, Alex breaks the silence and says, "It's really warm. Are you warm? 'Cuz I'm really warm." And then, slowly, because he needs Hank to look up in time, Alex lifts his arms and flexes while he pulls his damp t-shirt up over his head. He knows Hank looks just before it reveals his pecs. He can feel Hank's gaze, scanning over Alex's toned chest and muscled arms.

Alex drops it on the table and moves over to the seat beside Hank, pulling it even closer to Hank. He whispers, "If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes," in Hank's ear and immediately sees Hank's struggle to stay composed.

Without looking at Alex, Hank answers, "I don't wear jeans. These are dress pants."

"Same thing."

"Not really."

"I-"

Hank kisses him on the cheek. "Stop trying to woo me with scientific pick-up lines," he says.

"Is it working?" Alex asks.

Hank blushes, and Alex takes it as all the answer he needs.

"I can't end the experiment until I have enough sample tests," Alex says, winking.

"Put your shirt back on."

"You want me to put my shirt back on?"

"No."

"Okay."

"I'm going back to work."

"Okay."

/\/\/\

Sitting beside Hank and watching the young scientist work away the next day, Alex wonders faintly whether Hank will ever reciprocate his feelings. Or even just his boner. Either one sounds good to Alex, to be honest, since they both imply having Hank in some way. Alex was never one for romance, anyway, even if he is undeniably hopelessly in love with Hank McCoy.

"Hey, Hank," Alex calls out.

"What?" Hank asks, his eyes remaining focused intensely on his work.

"I have E=mc2 tattooed on my ass. Wanna see?"

"Um."

And oh, if Alex didn't love the look on Hank's face right then. A part of Alex thinks it's priceless, the way Hank's jaw drops and he almost lets go of the glass beaker in his hands. Another bigger part of him has to hold back from jumping up and proclaiming his love for Hank right then and there.

Naturally, Alex winks.

Alex can tell Hank's thinking about it, thinking about what Alex's ass must look like under the tight pants he so frequently wears. Of course, he only wears such tight pants to catch Hank's attention, but Hank has always been too dense to know that anyway. (Which Alex finds funny, because Hank is easily the smartest person he knows.)

Alex smirks as Hank dutifully goes back to his chemicals.

/\/\/\

The next day, Alex figures maybe he needs to step his game up a bit. He knows it's stupid, but he thinks he might need a more… sexual line. Even though he thinks every line he's tried on Hank has been obviously filled with Alex's hidden (but actually completely observable) feelings. Hank knows he's trying to woo him, but either Hank doesn't want him or he hasn't been wooed enough to pull him out of his awkward dork shell.

Alex severely hopes it's the second option.

So, as he watches Hank as he normally does, he remembers the one Raven had told him way back as a joke:

"You're like my homework. I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long."

This time, Hank does drop his beaker. It shatters on the metal of the table and Alex knows Hank would've sworn if he weren't so perfect with his perfect mind and his perfect mouth and his presumably perfect di-

Alex decides to stop himself right there.

Hank, despite his intense blush, says, "Alex, you never do your homework."

"I've always paid particular attention in science class."

"Clearly," Hank breathes out heavily.

Alex doesn't stand up for a while. That breathy voice does _things_ to him. It does _things_ to little Alex, too, and the fact that he just thought of his dick as 'little Alex' makes Alex inwardly cringe at himself.

/\/\/\

The day after that, Alex sits across from his dream man, figuring he needs to use something a little more chill after that last one. As he sits there, mulling over all of the lines he knows, trying to decide which one to use, Hank speaks up.

"Variable 'i' is less than three times variable 'u'."

"What?" Alex asks, not getting it.

"Write it down, maybe then you'll understand."

At first, Alex thinks that statement is meant as an insult, that Hank is implying he's too stupid to get his math comments. But then, knowing Hank is nowhere near that level of asshattery, he figures it was just a friendly suggestion. Alex grabs a piece of paper and a pen from another table of supplies.

He writes it down, and it all makes sense.

 _'_ _i_ (imaginary less than sign that won't let me use) _3u_ '

Alex smiles.

"I love you, too."

Today, Hank smiles as well.

And for the rest of the day, one of Hank's hands is clasped in one of Alex's while his other hand continues to work.

Alex has never been more positive he had Hank's full attention.

/\/\/\

"So, where did you get all of those science lines from, anyway?" Hank asks as they lay together in his bed a month later.

Alex looks away. "The Professor."

Hank outright laughs at him. "You asked the Professor for pick-up lines?"

"He told me it would work!"

"Oh my God, that's hilarious," Hank declares, his chuckles unceasing.

"Shut up."

"I can't. Alex, this is too good. The _Professor_ helped you woo me. Oh my God." Hank's statement makes himself burst out in a whole new bout of giggles.

"You're so adorable when you laugh," Alex says, no longer irritated as he stares at his bedmate.

Hank's chuckles fade, his smile and the mirth in his eyes remaining.

"And you're so beautiful when you smile."

"Stop."

"You're the most gorgeous man alive, and I don't know how I won your heart."

"Alex, stop."

"Fine," Alex says with a sigh. Hank never accepted his compliments. He comes up with a better idea. Leaning in closer to Hank, he whispers, "If I were an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? Smooth…" He trails off, his hand gently sweeping down Hank's bare chest. "Or rough?" Alex asks, his hand suddenly grabbing Hank's dick with a firm hand.

"Oh, fuck me," Hank says. Alex loves that he's capable of getting such filthy words to fall from Hank's perfect mouth.

"Hey, baby. Let's make a zygote."

"Did you actually just say that?" Hank asks, snorting.

"Hey, you just got harder when I said it, so I don't want your sass."

"Fair point."

Alex loves how turned on Hank gets when he makes scientific innuendos in bed, as well.

Long story short, he just loves Hank.

And if that night they make sweet, sweet covalent bonds again, well…

That's their own chemistry lesson.

 **FIN**.


End file.
